jealousy is the ugliest emotion that any one person can feel. it is black tar that clings and lingers, wraps around someone's heart and suffocates. he feels suffocated by his jealousy. he feels ugly because of it. but who would notice anyway? the flawless and most pristine captain of aoba jousai high! he is oikawa tooru. that suffocating darkness sits inside him buried beneath layers of flirtatious charm, winks, broad smiles. he has an image to maintain, he has fans
but he holds a grudge, a dark and powerful grudge, and it disgusts him. its a chip in his perfectly crafted mask and it hangs over him like a dark cloud; no matter how often he pretends that he's just fine. his disdain for someone that once thought him to be a mentor roots itself deep inside him, its growing weeds in his lungs day by day, and covering him in filth. one day he won't be able to breathe.
he is disgusted with himself some days, he is disgusted that he has to rely on iwa-chan to fix all his problems. and he knows he does it, he knows that he relies so heavily on the other's brash words, on even the threats of physical violence, to whip him back into shape. maybe he's some kind of masochist after all.
he likes to pretend he is strong, but most days he feels like a pane of glass.
he'd be so easy to break if people knew the right things to say. most things slide right off of him, like water from a duck's back. no one can hurt the grand king! (even kings can fall and when they do they leave disaster in their wake.) he knows what people say about him, he knows that there are others that also think he's disgusting—as much as he hates himself most days, he has such a false sense of superiority that he can convince himself of his own greatness. one thing is for sure; he is not a genius. he hates geniuses.
people think he's too smug. he knows he's too smug, but its all he can do to convince himself that everyone would be lost without him. his own teammates think he's too cunning and devious, too smart for his own good. he's like a fox in the hen house, or like the wolf that ate little red riding hood's grandmother and stole her clothes to pretend it was something else.
his desire to be the best is overwhelming and his ability to pick out everyone's flaws and weaknesses is what makes people think he's cruel. he's not really…is he? maybe he is. some days he's not so sure. even his own teammates say they wouldn't want to be friends with him. its insulting, its hurtful, but he is just indignant about it. why would he do that to his own teammates?
they're all his friends, aren't they?
however, no one is as important to him as iwa-chan. they've known one another for a long time, since their younger years. even when he found himself fighting with iwa-chan, they would make up the next day, and he'd feel appreciated all over again. iwa-chan is his voice of reason, iwa-chan makes sure that he's not overworking himself, not running himself ragged, taking care of his knee, sleeping, eating, drinking enough water. he doesn't like that he depends on iwa-chan for things that he should be able to handle himself. it isn't fair to his childhood friend, when he has his own life to deal with. no, iwa-chan has to pick up the pieces when he happens to fall.
he's done the same from time to time. he tries to show his support, but he knows he falls flat—feelings, they haven't really been his strongest suit. they're complete opposites and maybe that's why they work. iwa-chan, so physical in comparison, so ready to use that to his advantage; to smack literal sense into him. he appreciates it, even when he pouts and sticks out his tongue.
childish, that's what everyone else thinks. if he's not being flirtatious and smug, he's being childish to the point of immaturity. he doesn't really now how to balance himself. maybe there's something wrong with him. most times he does it all to hide what he really feels, because speaking the truth is admitting it to be true. if he doesn't acknowledge it, it won't be true. but too often he feels lonely, not included, like perhaps the people around him don't really like him the way he wants to think. stupid, someone that's surrounded by people day in and day out, has so many fans, would feel lonely.
jealousy is the driving force in all that he does. he works himself harder day in and day out so he can match up to tobio-chan's raw talent and it doesn't seem to pay off. jealous, definitely. inferior? some days. more than hatred he feels, that he just isn't good enough for everyone around him. he doesn't have the raw talent that tobio-chan has and already the boy that wanted him to be his mentor so far ahead of where he should be. he's been playing volleyball for longer, he's been training harder; tobio-chan gets away with pure skill and luck. it pisses him off.
he isn't good enough for himself and, in turn, knows he can't be good enough for everyone else.
under all his bluster and bravado he knows this fact to be true. he puts on the strongest of faces for everyone around him because they need the encouragement. he's been skirting by for so long it is just his normal. everything about why he still trains himself is purely selfish. he can be so purely selfish and single-minded. its why iwa-chan has to intervene so often; its not fair to him. having such an obstinate friend, so incredibly dauntless in the face of the disaster he knows he can become.
and he is a disaster, its the one and only thing he's ever been certain of.