* As a head's up, there's mention of torture and murder within this app *
The past is something you’ve always tried to forget. Your real name, your family, your home planet Alderaan. Thinking about it all hurts. You’ve never dealt with pain well; you’ve always just covered it up with a joke to act like everything was fine. This all stemmed from a young age, you suppose. Your family had plenty of other problems to deal with, so there was no need to add to the list by bothering them with petty things you figured you could handle by yourself. The more you try to forget about them, the more vague their faces appear in your memory.
You wish they would disappear completely, but they never do.
You didn’t expect that your family would be ripped away from you by Mandalorians, but that’s exactly what happened. You remember why you survived while your family didn't: you ran. Just like you always did when faced with a problem, you ran away and didn’t deal with it.
You left. Alderaan wasn’t your home anymore. Your family was no more. What was the point of sticking around?
You joined the Republic. While the Jedi sat idly as Mandalorians demolished planet after planet, you were going to do something about it. You were young, a mere sixteen years old when you first signed on, but they were desperate for troops and needed every volunteer they could get to fight back against the Mandalorians. Besides, you knew how to shoot a blaster pistol, and that was good enough by their standards.
You can still remember the first time you killed a Mandalorian. You remember becoming awfully aware of the fact that you had taken someone else’s life, that it was your doing that the galaxy had one less organic lifeform living in it. It was almost as if there was a disruption in the universe itself because of your actions.
You wish you could forget about that sinking feeling, but instead, it just got easier to take another’s life.
Your superiors became your new family. Specifically, Revan was like a parent to you, despite the fact that you never actually spoke to him personally. He was one of the few Jedi who decided to take a stand against those damned Mandalorians, and that fact alone demanded your respect. Revan was something else, something more than anyone else in the Republic. If battle were a form of art, Revan was a skilled artist. When he was in the room, all eyes were on him. Fighting for him was the highest honor you could possibly think of, and you were proud to call yourself part of the Galactic Republic when he was in charge of the tide of battle.
Years dragged on, and finally, the conflict with the Mandalorians ended with the complete annihilation of a Mandalorian planet: Malachor V. Once a planet teeming with life, Malachor V was rendered a complete and utter wasteland thanks to Revan authorizing the use of a super weapon. You won.
... But why didn’t it feel like you won?
Whatever. It didn’t matter.
After winning the war, something about Revan had changed. Something deep within him convinced him to take up the mantle of “Dark Lord of the Sith,” and he abandoned the Republic that had once gladly stood beside him. They weren’t too pleased about Revan becoming a part of the Sith, to put it lightly, and started yet another war over it. But you? You stuck by Revan. He was your hero, the one person you idolized above all. He was the one who led you to victory, and you were certain he’d do it again. Of course you followed him when he left the Republic. Of course you proudly wore the title of “Sith.”
Of course you swallow back bile when anyone mentions the Sith now.
The Sith saw something special in you. They looked at you and saw a force to be reckoned with, as if you were someone of worth. So they put you through extensive training. They taught you how to keep Jedi out of your head (pretty simple: all you had to do was count off numbers to throw them off) and how to make yourself undetectable (also simple: build walls of strong emotions).
You had a knack for hunting down Jedi, but what you truly enjoyed was breaking them. Tracking them down was well and good, but tearing their very ideology and beliefs apart was what really enticed you. Grabbing a Jedi by the throat and making her see that the Sith were right all along was intoxicating. Watching one’s spirit shatter as they realized every last thing they had believed in was wrong was beyond satisfying. Your body was made into a tool of torture, a weapon intended for mass destruction. Your tongue spewed vile, poisonous words that seeped down into your victims’ souls and twisted them.
You hate thinking about it now. You hate to think that you were such a fucking monster who took such great pleasure in harming others. You hate to think that you still are that same disgusting man, and you count off numbers in your head just to avoid thinking about it so you can pretend that you never committed any of those awful acts.
There was a woman who made you realize how awful you truly were. You didn’t catch her name, or if you did, you’ve long since buried it in your mind. A Jedi. She told you that the only reason you were so good at hunting Jedi was because you were Force-sensitive yourself. You didn’t want to believe her; you refused to do so. But when she told you that what you did to Jedi was exactly what the Sith would do to you once they found out, you didn’t want to believe her, but ended up doing so anyway.
You were pissed. You were pissed that this woman could possibly be right about the Sith, that she could be right that you were in the wrong.
So you retaliated. You attacked her with absolute rage, beating her nearly to death for even daring to insinuate that you would be betrayed. And just when you thought she would die, she opened your mind to the Force. She opened your mind to life, and how you harmed the living things around you. Every horrific action you had done came flooding into your head, poisoning every thought you had. You, unable to deal with this revelation of how you hurt all life around her, crushed her neck between your hands.
You killed her, like you killed everything else you touched.
At the time, you told yourself you would love nothing more than to kill her. Looking back now, you killed her because you loved her. You loved that she showed you who you really were, that she saw someone worth saving from the Sith. You loved her so much that the cruel universe simply didn’t deserve to have her, so you took her away from it.
Once again, you ran. All you ever seem to do is run from your problems, after all. You discarded your name in favor of the pseudonym “Atton Rand” and you left the Sith without a trace.
Enter Nar Shaada: the smuggler’s moon. Tons of refugees flocked there, and you blended in quite well among them. It was a great place to lay low, just... not a great place in general. Crime ran rampant and you met some rather unsavory folks during your time there. You found work through smuggling goods for some shady individuals from planet to planet. At this point, you would have taken anything that wasn’t working for the Sith.
One job didn’t go quite as expected.
Peragus: a less-than-spectacular mining asteroid. You made your way there to smuggle something off of that damn rock, and frankly, you weren’t one to ask too many questions about what your job of the day was, so you had no idea what in space it was. Everything was going smoothly until you wound up violating some regulation.
And then you wound up being thrown in a prison cell by some rather unhappy miners.
You couldn’t recall how long it had been since you sat in that cell, but you do remember a woman found you there. She wasn’t one of the miners. You found yourself drawn to her in an instant, though you couldn’t tell why.
Her name was Meetra Surik, and you had a feeling that was a name you’d never forget.
She was a veteran of the Mandalorian Wars, and Revan was a mentor of hers. That was already two things you had in common.
The two of you struck a deal: if she helped you out of that cell, you’d help her get off that rock. She agreed to your terms and conditions by releasing you, and right away, you got down to business. You weren’t gonna spend much more time on Peragus, that was for sure. Much to your dismay, your party of two quickly grew into a party of four with the additions of an old hag (who preferred being called “Kreia”) and some beeping droid (who Meetra referred to as T3-M4, but you usually just called it “the trash compactor”), neither of whom you were fond of. To make matters worse, it turned out both the hag and Surik were Jedi. Or, in Meetra’s case, an “ex-Jedi,” exiled by the Order for participating in the Mandalorian Wars.
That wasn’t what was important. All four of you were desperately trying to get off Peragus, and that’s what you focused on. A ship -- the Ebon Hawk -- happened to be docked on the asteroid, and that was your getaway ticket. You and your small party boarded the ship only to be ambushed by members of the Sith, hellbent on chasing your group down.
As you set the ship’s coordinates to the nearest planet, the Sith destroyed Peragus in their attempts to shoot you down. It was just your luck that when you landed on planet Telos that you were the ones accused of demolishing the mining facility. You and your companions (save for the droid, who was instead deemed property and left on the ship) were imprisoned for suspicion that you destroyed Peragus.
Out of one jail cell, thrown directly into another.
When security came to their senses and let your crew out of detainment, they “regretfully” informed you that the Ebon Hawk had been stolen. A sinking suspicion told you that the damned T3 droid decided to take the ship for a joy ride, laughing as it left the planet. By some sheer luck, the officer who released you mentioned that supposedly, the ship was still on Telos. Wasting no time, your trio went on a hunt to get back the Ebon Hawk.
Enlisting the help of an alien by the name of Bao-Dur, a fellow veteran of the Mandalorian Wars, your crew found out that the ship was taken to the northern regions of the planet. After hitching a shuttle ride to the north, it was revealed that the Ebon Hawk was stolen by a Jedi master who was rather upset with Meetra for one reason or another.
Honestly, by this point, you shouldn’t have been so surprised that yet again, you were tossed into a jail cell. The only one who didn’t have to sit around in a cell was Meetra, who had the pleasure of talking to the icy Jedi master.
Maybe being in that cell wasn’t so bad if it got you out of talking to yet another Jedi.
That’s what you had initially thought, anyway. You were quickly proven wrong when that manipulative witch Kreia started digging into your head, bypassing your carefully crafted mental walls and ripping your secrets out. All the lies, all the death, all the hurt you caused. She dangled them in front of you, threatening to expose them to Meetra if you so much as thought about leaving the rest of the gang behind.
The thought of her hating you for knowing who you really were made you feel sick to your stomach, and without much choice, you agreed to the old hag’s terms.
Finally released from prison once more, you and the rest of the crew (including the droid) returned to the ship where Meetra decided that she wanted to find the Jedi masters to better understand why she was exiled from the Jedi Order. You accompanied her on her journey to do so.
The more time you spent around her, the more you fell in love with her. A genuine kindness radiated off of her, one that you once believed simply did not exist. It was hard not to feel something for her. Sometimes, you wondered if she thought of you as fondly as you did of her. You wondered if she would even entertain the idea that you two could be a couple.
Reality made sure to kick in, however, and reminded you that you could never be the one for her. She deserved better than you. She deserved someone who wasn’t a monster. Never in a million years would she believe that you were a perfect match.
Still, you liked to believe that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for you two to be together.
Nar Shaada. It was the perfect place to lay low for a while, and you were happy to show Meetra around the place, even if it wasn’t the greatest planet in the galaxy. You knew the place like the back of your hand. Whenever she asked you anything -- anything -- about Nar Shaada, you were ready with an answer. It felt good to be needed for something, even if it was just a few tidbits of information.
Unfortunately, coming to Nar Shaada ended up being a bad move. One of the refugees there recognized you as a cold-blooded killer and passed this information along to Surik. With determination in her step, she walked right up to you and asked you if this was true. Your first reaction was to get angry that she would start prodding you about your past out of nowhere, and with each question she asked, the angrier you would get.
You were most angry about the Jedi. You ranted and raved about how they were despicable, manipulative creatures that were no better than the Sith.
With enough questioning, you caved in. You told her about how you had fought in both wars, how you sided with Revan and the Sith, how you were an expert at killing Jedi, and you told her about... her. The Jedi who saved your life. It was when you spoke of her when your voice became somber, sick to your stomach recalling the memories of killing the woman who opened the Force inside of you. You hated yourself enough; how much was Meetra going to despise you for what you had done?
Yet, she was rather forgiving of your past deeds. She saw something in you that could be redeemed, even if you couldn’t. She was another person who saw you as someone worthwhile, and you couldn’t understand it.
But the more you looked at Meetra, the more you realized that you wanted to help her in any way you could. You asked her if she would teach you to be a Jedi. Maybe if you had the power of the Force on your side, you could help her in the heat of battle. You could protect her. You could throw yourself into danger for her without an inkling of fear.
She said yes. You became the very thing you once hated with passion, but for once, you felt somewhat at peace with yourself.
On your journeys together, your small crew seemed to grow and grow. Meetra seemed to have a knack for recruiting former Sith assassins, because one of them tried to kill her and was then convinced to join Meetra’s side. Visas Marr was a strange one, you’d admit, but you liked her far better than Kreia, so she was good in your book. Plus, you weren’t really in a position to judge former members of the Sith. Then there was Mira the bounty hunter, who you could bicker with all day, but truthfully, you respected her skill in battle (and she was also better company than Kreia, so that was a plus). A couple more droids joined your crew, and even the current leader of the Mandalorians -- Mandalore the Preserver -- had taken up with the Ebon Hawk’s crew. You weren’t too comfortable with the idea of a Mandalorian wandering around the ship, but you didn’t really have much of a say in the matter, so as long as he kept to himself, you’d keep to yourself.
But the one member you hated most, sans Kreia? The Disciple: Mical. An insufferable diplomatic prick from the Republic, there was just something so suspicious about him. While you were certain Meetra was a good person, you scrutinized every “kind” act that Mical performed. Mira theorized that you were jealous that he was a poster boy for being too nice and thus had a better chance at being with Meetra than you ever would, and truth be told, that probably wasn’t a far off guess. You hated admitting it, certainly, but she was very spot on.
Understanding why you couldn’t stand him didn’t make you hate him any less, though.
After going from planet to planet searching for answers as to why she was exiled, Meetra had finally arranged a meeting between three Jedi masters on the Jedi home turf of Dantooine. You didn’t attend this meeting; she assured everyone that this was a matter she needed to take care of by herself. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, Kreia interrupted this meeting. The elderly Jedi wiped out the masters, revealing herself as Darth Traya: a high-ranking member of the Sith. She then fled to the remains of Malachor V where she waited for a final confrontation with Meetra.
Meetra returned to the Ebon Hawk, and the rest of your crew left for one last adventure with the exiled Jedi. You arrived on Malachor V to put a stop to Kreia once and for all, and yet again, Meetra insisted that she had to go where you could not follow. Begrudgingly, you respected her wishes. Besides, you needed to make sure the ship was running so that when she got back, you could make a getaway escape the moment she stepped back onto the ship. Sitting in the cockpit of the Ebon Hawk, you waited and waited for her to return, silently hoping that she would survive her encounter with the heinous hag.
The entire time you sat there, you couldn’t help but think that you should have gone with her. To hell if you died by her side, you’d rather die for her than find out that an old crone took her life. You were the expendable one out of the two of you.
You were beyond relieved when you finally heard her come back with news of Traya’s death. You maneuvered the Ebon Hawk out of Malachor V with your crew intact and never looked back. Everything would work out into some sort of happy ending, you naively thought.
Instead, in the aftermath of Traya’s downfall, Meetra... left. She took the ship, T3-M4, and decided that she was going to find out about what happened to her former master Revan. She insisted that she had to go alone, but you wanted to go with her. Part of it was so that you too could see Revan once more, most of it was because she was the one thing you loved more than life itself.
Part of you wanted to tell her right then and there that you were hopelessly in love with her. She probably already knew that, but you wanted to say it, yet you couldn’t. No declaration of romantic feelings was going to convince her to keep you around, a painful truth that you had to accept as she boarded the Ebon Hawk and took to space once more.
She didn’t need you anymore.
You were never good enough for her anyway.