you wake up from a dream you don't quite remember. it confuses you for a moment while you're still laying in bed, a little sleepy and warm in your blankets, remnants of scenes you can't fully bring back floating, slowly fading from your mind the longer you're awake. there's no time to really think about it for long. maybe sayaka might have something to say about it, you think as you brush your teeth and tie up your hair in a new ribbon. you don't think you could figure it out by yourself anyway.
you leave for school, and it's a day just like any other. you walk together with sayaka and hitomi and laugh with them like always.
everything feels normal when you take your seat in class. nothing could be further from the truth.
the new transfer student looks. familiar. but you're sure you've never met before.
when homura looks at you, it feels like she's staring straight through you. like she's looking at something only she can see. you don't know how to react to it, or her. she's nothing like any person you've ever met before. you stumble over your words, trying to be as nice and friendly as you can manage through your broken sentences and flushed cheeks. you can't help but be shy around someone new, much less someone like homura, who stands up tall and proud and has deep eyes that pierce. you feel small compared to her, and part of you wonders if being seen together is a good thing. it must be embarrassing for her. you don't want to bring homura down by being you. after all, you have no talents. you have nothing special to give anyone. you can just tell by looking at her that homura is great in a way you could never be.
still, it doesn't really change how lost you are by her words. be nothing but yourself? what else could you be? sayaka laughs it off as something weird. you can't help but join in; it is kind of weird. and surely you must have heard wrong or didn't fully get the meaning behind what she said. maybe it's not something for you to think about too much.
you brush it off, at least until a voice cries for you in your head.
kyubey says you could be a magical girl. you. it sounds so exciting, but a part of you can't help but wonder: why you out of all people? would you even be a good magical girl? wouldn't someone else be a much better choice than you? it must be a mistake. you're not even sure what you want to wish for. do you have anything that you really want more than anything in the world?
kyubey is adamant, despite your misgivings. you can be a magical girl. every question you ask has an some kind of answer to it, and that's better than not knowing anything at all, but even kyubey doesn't know why you have this chance.
you still have time to think about it. so, if nothing else, you might as well think about what kind of magical girl you want to be. you hope you can be like mami, able to help people and save lives. if you could do that, it would be like a dream come true. you'd love to do something like that with your life.
smiling to yourself, you pick up a pencil. you might not be able to think of a wish right now, but who says you can't think about an outfit for yourself?
mami is dead.
you can still see her body sway from the witch's mouth. her body drops. her head is gone. her body disappears like it was never there. like she never existed. the scene plays out in your head over and over again like a bad movie you can't stop. going to school the next day does nothing to soothe you. in fact, you feel more terrible just by knowing what you know. there's no one else besides sayaka who feels your pain and loss. you feel like the whole school should be mourning.
that was the first time you have ever seen a dead body, and you wish you could go back and keep it from happening. you would do anything if it meant you could keep it from happening, even if it meant using your precious wish. why mami? mami was doing so much good, and she was so kind to sayaka and you. why did this have to happen to her? mami wanted to be a magical girl with you, and you let her down by being too afraid to do anything. you can no longer hunt witches with her anymore. you spend so much time crying that you think you may never stop. you didn't want this for mami. you don't want this for yourself. you don't want this for anyone.
why? why are you so useless?
you can tell sayaka became a magical girl just by looking at her. your breath stops for a moment, and something horrifying pops into your head.
will sayaka die too? will sayaka end up like mami?
she seems happy, practically glowing, and she knows you're worried, but you can't bring yourself to step on her feelings anymore than you have. you really can't stop her if she's that determined. you can't take back the wish she made and you don't want to. that would be too cruel after everything sayaka has been through.
as long as sayaka is happy, you can accept anything.
sayaka is dead.
all you can do is lay in bed and cry. her last words to you echo in your mind, and it hits every awful thing you've ever thought about yourself all at once. every death that happens in front of you feels like confirmation of the truth.
you really are useless. you couldn't help mami. you couldn't help sayaka. you couldn't help kyouko.
squeezing your pillow tightly against your chest, a new sob escapes from your chest. you tried so hard to bring sayaka back. you believed in kyouko. you believed sayaka wasn't completely lost. all you got in return for your faith was more death. your stomach is full of lies and unfulfilled promises and worthlessness. being a magical girl shouldn't end this way.
nobody deserves to suffer for their dreams.
you don't understand anything homura says. you don't understand how she can be so cold sometimes, so mean and unfeeling. you don't know how she can take death so calmly when it all but destroys you on the inside. from the very beginning, homura has been someone you just can't seem to connect to.
you don't understand why she is hugging you so tightly now that it hurts to breathe. you never would have believed homura was capable of crying a few days ago. but she is, and you can feel her tears soak into your uniform. if you had known nothing about magical girls, you don't think you would believe anything that homura is saying. you feel frozen in place by her words, by her declarations of protection and times you don't even remember. times that have never happened to the you standing here now, wide-eyed and with a crying girl clinging to you like you're the only person in the world. a girl who gave up so much just for you, and you don't even know her that well.
the you from a week ago would have awkwardly laughed off what homura said, you're sure. but the you now has no idea what to do.
what are you supposed to do? you can't make a wish because it will kill you, but you can't let homura go off to fight all alone. you've never been able to do anything for anyone, from the very beginning. ever since you were born, you've been nothing.
(in other places, in other times like this one, you've already made your wish. you've saved people. you've defeated witches. you've watched your friends die. you've watched them become witches. and you've become a witch yourself. you've defeated walpurgis all on your own. you've done so much as a magical girl.
but that's not you now. you still have a wish to make.)
all your life you've had no talents. there's nothing special about you. you don't think you can really help anyone.
but maybe that can change.
no one should have to be in pain for their dreams. being a magical girl means having hope. that's what you've believed from the start. nothing should stand in the way of that hope.
power flows throughout your whole body. thinking about all the girls who made their wishes and died for them gives you courage. for once in your life, you have a purpose. you have a dream. the exact moment your magic comes to you feels like coming home, like you were always meant to have this. you don't care if you lose yourself or become god if it means you can keep other girls from suffering for their desires ever again.
you want to save them all. you want to keep hope alive. you think that's something worth giving your life for.