you look back on that childhood version of yourself and feel nothing but disgust. the man you are now--the great, legendary gilgamesh
--and you were once a mild-mannered and polite simpleton. born of the union of human and god, you were meant to be a great ruler. the times of your youth you barely remember, heralded and lauded as a great and mystical being. so transcendent in your divinity that you were risen above those around you, no longer half-human, but sporting only one-third the humanity of your peers. two-thirds god, immortal and unquestioned. you came to rule the sumerian city-state of uruk and you did so with the praise and worship of those around you. a god, they called you, here in the flesh made of gold and stardust.
the man you are now is nothing like the boy you used to be. the more praise you earned, the more your godly abilities came in tenfold, the bigger your ego grew. you were, clearly, meant to be invincible and, as such, you could do whatever you wanted. you could have the world, if you desired it, wrapped nicely for you. all the riches you desired were thrown at your feet if only you'd spare our lives! incredible, this world full of insects, mongrels, how loathsome and disgusting. you're once meant to be the keystone of heaven between the rising humans and fading gods, but that role has no use now, does it? humanity is flawed and broken, humanity is so feeble and useless; you loved the gods too fondly. once loved and respected by your people in your youth, that turned to fear and oppression as your ego spiraled out of control.
it is why they sent enkidu to destroy you.
but how do you destroy a being of their very own design? they made you this way, allowed your divinity and transcendence, and now they're meant to punish you for merely being? unbelievable. who are they to dictate where your life was to lead you? they created you to be some kind of mediator between mortal and god and, yet, you see so much clearer than any of them would ever hope for. in the end you are neither human nor god; you are isolated, in a class so far above even those of the gods. what manner of hero are you? the age of gods will pass and you will see it through. this clod of mud they sent to be your undoing will run back with his tail between his legs to those gods he so claims to love.
you've never truly had a friend. those around you adored you, revered you, then learned to fear you, but none of them would stick by your side at the end of the day. your advisors were the same, your servants all mongrels. and this clod of mud, this little bit of clay formed into a man, how could he be your friend? you found him an enemy at first and your battle was fierce. shocked and angered by his ability to keep shifting forms, you were forced to bring out your many stored treasures, opening the gates of babylon. you started to enjoy it. at the end of the day your vault was emptied and enkidu found himself to be one tenth of what he once was. it was...exciting. the first bit of entertainment you've had in a while and rather than admit defeat, you laughed. like the rest of you, it was golden. a stalemate that you've never seen; never once has anyone matched up to you.
when asked if you regretted the treasures you'd spent in the fight that lasted days, you could only laugh. why? why regret it? a formidable opponent is worth all the treasures you've ever collected. from mutual destruction and though he was sent to punish you for your absolute rule, you and enkidu became friends. a word so foreign on your tongue you refused to say it. you worked side by side with enkidu, something you'd never expected you would ever be capable of doing. your vault, cluttered and disorganized after the use of them as your main weapon, amused your new friend. a bad habit, he said. not the only one you have. being friends with enkidu was like being friends with the very earth itself; warm and safe, but ultimately dangerous. there was never a time where you thought he might turn on you and you gave him something you'd never given anyone else--your undying loyalty. perhaps you weren't really meant to be alone after all.
for the first time in your life you felt like someone understood you and your ideals. setting your sights on humbaba, you took to defeating the beast and purging its evil; all to protect uruk. confused, enkidu asks you why you would care about the people you ruled over like a tyrant. it wasn't that you didn't care, but they intrigued you. you could never be one of them, that was fact, and you'd never want to be purely mortal. you've thought about it before, what it may have been like to not have this divine purpose but, all the same, you were still a king. it was still your job to protect those people, even if they loathed you. speaking so profoundly reminded you of being a child again and, finding your passion endearing, enkidu pledged his loyalty to you as a tool at your disposal. but he was no tool, you could never use him as such. your only friend, finally an equal, you wouldn't allow him to degrade himself like that.
you became the richest and greatest king on earth, gathering all the treasures of the world; uruk turned into a flourishing and prosperous kingdom. you were so powerful that not even the gods themselves could compare. they couldn't ignore you, but oh how they had tried. sometimes you wonder if your entire life had been fated for you. were things supposed to happen the way they did? is all of life preordained or do you have any control over the way things may end? if you had, would enkidu not have suffered? was he meant to disappear the way he had? after ishtar's rage at being rejected unleashed the bull of heaven upon you, and it was abated using your very own chains of heaven, she dealt one final blow. you thought there could be nothing worse than watching your people suffer not of your hand. created by the gods as their own tool, when she demanded it, he was put to death.
for the first time, you mourned.
you teased him, even still, as you held him while his body faded back to mud. weren't you supposed to be the one to cry? yet here he was, such a foolish creature, shedding tears at not being able to be by your side. perhaps you knew what love was, once. you couldn't anticipate the weight of his words: who would understand you after i die? and the answer is: no one. there was no one in the great wide world that would ever understand you the way enkidu had. for the firs time, you felt you deserved the retribution; not the clod of clay that only wanted to make you happy. he defied the gods for you. and he gave his life for you, the only friend you'd ever had in the world. and yet, he would still claim that he was only one of your many treasures--that you would find one better.
he was wrong and he had more worth, would have more worth, than any other treasure you'd ever hope to find. for he was your friend, the only one to ever bear that title. he would always be worth more for you have made him transcendent.
the holy grail, who cares about such a useless object? mortals still confound you, silly mongrels left chasing their own tails. tokiomi is, at first, a curious individual. you grow bored of him in such a short period of time. it seems, like any other magi, he seeks to reach akasha. so strange are the thoughts and beliefs of others. you are essentially a god and still you've never heard of such a thing. you're told about it, the swirl of the root, a group of records, of archives. you can't remember ever being there and, yet, its said that this swirl of the root is where all souls--including heroic spirits, such as yourself--are taken to after their deaths. you've died once, shed your mortal body for this one, you are certain you won't die again. not as you exist here, not feeling stronger than you ever have before.
being this that you are now is nothing compared to having a real flesh and blood body, but you suppose it will have to do. the ability to disappear at will is, frankly, the only interesting thing about it--you were never truly human, not like all these other summoned servants. meeting the other servants leaves such a disdainful taste in your mouth. curious as they are to you. first there is rider; tall and well built. his power will be nothing compared to your raw intuition and ability to predict the actions of others. but he is the king of conquerors. but what a strange creature he comes to be; jovial, friendly. not in the way you are, either. his humor, his general joy for being in this world now, is genuine. he desires to conquer the world as a human, and this is why he will fight for the holy grail. you suppose that in another lifetime you may have found him amusing. he would be, and will be, a formidable opponent in the future. when you witness what he is capable of, you decide that you, gilgamesh, king of heroes, will be the one to kill him later.
saber, now, she is the source of so much intrigue. aside from her flashy looks that draw you in--nowhere near as beautiful as you, of course--there is something about the strength of her flawed ideals that worms its way into your brain. after all, your favorite thing is to dive deep into the minds of others, to get them to admit to those things their hearts really desire. its why you are so fascinated with her. gender is of no importance to her, she is a knight above all. she doesn't want to be treated as a woman and that's why you treat her as such. your interest in her and the strange way in which she goes about viewing the world becomes a source of obsession for you. what does she want to use the grail for, you wonder? you would have no use for such a thing. all the world's treasure, its wealth, is already yours. a gilded king with his piles of riches. all the weapons in the world are already in your armory, every bit of treasure in the world, it once was yours. now, what could saber want from the holy grail? what, what, what, indeed? it was her desire to obtain the grail to restore her fallen kingdom, the world she'd died for.
how pragmatic. how innocently charming. disgusting.
kotomine kirei. you always find his name so terribly ironic
. kirei, beautiful
; how very tragic. in some ways, you suppose, kirei is indeed beautiful. not in appearance or physique, though you suppose he's not the worst thing you've ever seen. kotomine kirei is a priest that cannot come to terms with his own twisted desires. you can just feel it on him, that want, the need, to lend to the blackness of his heart. he is no good man, a fully corrupted priest. you ask him, more than once, why he doesn't just get his pretty pale hands dirty. its because he can't, can he? not yet. not until he accepts that part of himself. and that's why you're there and you are content to help him do this. tokiomi has grown so boring
. kirei, however, provides the best possible entertainment you can imagine. he is familiar and he is very much like you. instead of spending time around your new master, you spend too much time hovering around kirei.
its why you find it so utterly fascinating when kirei divulges your master's plans to you. the conservation of his command spells and the truth behind the holy grail war. he means to sacrifice you, to command you to commit suicide alongside the other servants in order to open the way to the great grail. strange, that kirei would tell you such a thing. he stands before you, an enemy of you and your master, and spills truth upon truth from his lips. its a meeting in secret, between the servant of another and a free master, one not bound to a servant, with command spells at his disposal. a plan, coy and demure, is laid out in the broadest terms, and kirei is, as you believe, so very promising. perhaps, you think, he will even manage to entertain you.
the gleaming dagger sticks from the back of your former master, his blood pooling thick underneath him. you express that you are pleased with kirei's progress. you can feel that roiling darkness, the general annoyance for those around him. he doesn't like people, any more than you do. his reasons are purely selfish. should you trust him? perhaps not, but something about him tells you that you should. it was corruption that drove kirei; his greed, his envy, his need to be...what was it he said, understood? you think you could learn to understand him. he doesn't seem so complicated to you. he kneels at his former master's side and you stand beside him--as you do many times in the future for ten whole years--positively pleased. he asks if you've no objections. you have none, none at all. as long as he keeps your interest. he is so complacent, respectful, he treats you as the king of heroes, the gilded half-god that you are.
you are infinitely enamored in the darkest way possible. positively thrilled beyond belief--what a wonderful thing kirei has done for you. in turn, for him to end this feeble comedy, this farce, this absolutely inane journey into futility, you will grant him a prize. you will, with all your power and might, bring kotomine kirei the holy grail and, in turn, he will play your jester.