from one damaged lifestyle to another. he sometimes wonders if actually being dead would be a reprieve, or is living this life now better than being a hound? honestly, he isn't sure. at least he's somewhat respected here, in this strange life of his now, and he's given freedom--his boss is a stern woman, but she isn't cruel. probably best of all, here in pandora, there's no sibyl system. there's no one to tell him what to do but his boss and himself--he's not really sure how to live on his own, so maybe its better he's living under her roof and working for her. even if the job itself isn't...ideal. this wasn't where he saw himself after facing his own mortality at the end of a dominator.
the sibyl system was put in place back in his world to regulate criminals; to make it easier, less dangerous--it really only did the opposite. the system was flawed, everyone knew it, but for a five year old child, screaming and crying in his parent's arms before he's dragged away, well, there is no justice there. its something he remembers very vividly, despite being so young; you can't really forget the day you're told you're a latent criminal, impossible to rehabilitate. as he ages, he realizes just how wrong it was to lock a child up like that. that they were relying on a system that had so many flaws. he likes that about this world now, that sibyl isn't here to dictate his life. then again, he's not really sure he likes this life...but at least its his, and he's alive to have it. he almost wasn't.
what does he remember before his death? not much. it only comes in brief flashes and warbled colors, pictures, garbled speech, and through dreams--nightmares. there was a reason he was there with makishima's right-hand at his side, staring at the very core of the sibyl system. if only he could remember what he'd seen. those memories are hazy and distant and all he remembers is hearing gu-sung choe, blathering away, the pain in his arm. he doesn't remember why he was even there, how he'd sustained the injuries he had. what he does remember, however, was that feeling of shock at seeing the core and the hot, red splash of blood on his face as choe explodes into pieces from the inside out. the chief is there, glitching and robotic, something right out of a horror movie--if he watched those, that is.
(as it is he prefers to read shounen manga and, though he doesn't want anyone to know, other than the action movies he so loves, romantic comedies. that's not even mentioning all the genres of games he plays: fantasy RPGs, fighting, and those x-rated titles he doesn't want anyone to find.)
so what after that? its anyone's guess, but facing down the barrel of a dominator wouldn't be so intimidating. he remembers hearing it speak, non-lethal paralyzer, and remembers it shifting, glowing, and opening. its definitely not something he wants to see again, and goddamn did it just bite. he can only assume he died, seeing as how he wound up on a train to nowhere. like anyone, he is confused and nervous, and still aching all over. its a strange thing to realize ones own death had been imminent, and its not the first time he's seen a dominator up close, but the first time one has been reared for lethality in front of him. its terrifying, though he hates to admit to even himself that it was as such.
pandora is a rough place, that's what he's been told. nothing really stands up to japan under the sibyl system, but its all he's known. following the orders of others, being a hound, he's not really sure how to do anything else. surviving on your own? impossible. having never had proper freedom before, its overwhelming--he can act sarcastic and sassy all he wants, but nothing will change the fact he feels lost. though, he does it. covering up how he really feels has been something he's done since he was younger, trapped in a cell with no hope for recovery. taking a job at the MWPSB is the only option he's ever had. especially after losing the only friend he's ever had inside the facility--there were times he honestly wished he'd gone with the other boy, had heard his voice even once. (sometimes he wonders if he didn't fall in love with said boy but romance, heh, never his forte.)
he became friends with the boy in the cell next to his and is devastated when he is killed in an escape attempt. making friends hasn't been his strongest suit, it still really isn't, but in a world where he is now free, he can do as he pleases. there are times when he's a little hostile, when that left over feeling of being just a captured dog settles over him and he gets cagey. his boss doesn't stand for that, she puts him in his place--like a mother, like tsunemori would, or maybe like kougami. its his friends he misses the most. and he can call them friends, he thinks, because he belonged there. he's never belonged anywhere before, apparently not even home, and certainly not pegged as a latent criminal. he didn't deserve that, he can tell himself that with confidence.
he earned his place at the bureau. a child learning to fight, to handle a dominator, to read other people; one of the youngest of them all. he misses them. even kunizuka, who is certainly a little bit scary--its her impassive face. its the way she can look someone in the eye and not crack a smile. he wonders just what happened to her before, as he doesn't often go prying into other people's lives. karanomori is her opposite; chipper, friendly, also seductive in a way that made him nervous at first--he's terrible with women, unfortunately. he likes the two of them together, is happy for yayoi, even if he'll only try and tease her about it.
he didn't earn his place with kougami at first, someone that he's learned to have so much respect for. like the older brother he never had--if your older brother happened to break your arm once. then again, what would he know about having real siblings anyway? but kougami helped him prove his worth, helped him get out that anxiety and aggression he had when first coming to the MWPSB. he was angry, he'd been so for a while, and all it took was being put into his place. just one time and he never wanted to be anywhere else. kougami made him fight for it. he thinks about it on nights where he lays in bed and wonders just how he has a job as a glorified whore. he's treated better than the whores he's used to seeing on the streets, at least.
he always comes back to the same conclusion, though: he's not sure where he really belongs. its not home and its not the same and he has to adjust and adjusting is so difficult. he's spent so long envying other people's happiness and freedom that now, given the chance for his own, he doesn't know what to do with it. just what the hell is he supposed to do with himself? well, if he has it his way, and he does, he's going to spend his time living the way he wants to.
it sure beats the alternative, doesn't it?