TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR LANGUAGE, MISANTHROPY, BRAINWEIRD, & MISOGYNISTIC TENDENCIES.
( father son and holy ghost is just somebody's unholy hoax and if you're up there you'd perceive that my heart's here upon my sleeve and if there's one thing i don't believe in its you dear god )
friends? you've never had any friends. just the mere thought of anyone in this world giving even an iota of a shit about you is laughable. people fucking suck, you've known that from the start.
you grow up a sheltered child for the most part, but in a big enough town where it doesn't make a difference. all your life you had this ideal, an innocent, idiotic notion that one day you could be like the officers you see on the street. they're kind, generous, they help others when they need it most. you thought, yes, you could do that one day. your parents are neither excited nor repulsed by the idea as you run around outside chasing fireflies in the summer, or when you're trying to save kittens from being trapped in trees. they're always too busy for you anyway. independence just comes easy to you and you don't need your parents to tell you that you're doing a good job.
( he wears his heart safety pinned to his backpack his backpack is all that he knows
shot down by strangers whose glances can cripple the heart and devour the soul )
except that you need someone to tell you that you can do it if you put your mind to it. everyone needs some kind of reassurance now and then. you never get it, but it doesn't stop you from being the best and most diligent student you can be. its your hope that not only will this get you into the force, but that it'll finally entice your parents into noticing you. they'll be so proud of you, is what you think, day in and day out as you slave over complex calculations and read novels far too advanced for your age. you get a reputation for being too smart for your own good, but also being too cold and withdrawn for anyone to bother with you.
ah, you wonder what they'd say if they were alive to see you now?
( show me how to lie you're getting better all the time and turning all against the one is an art that's hard to teach another clever word sets off an unsuspecting herd )
the town is sleepy and small, nothing interesting ever happens there. the murder of miss yamano is the most interesting thing to happen and you've precipitated it. watching cops run around like chickens with their heads cut off. no one would suspect she died on the inside of a television. and then that high school girl too. its a perfect and untraceable crime.
you spend months being integrated into your partner's little family. its just him and nanako all alone; a little girl and her father. it'd be sweet if it wasn't so disgusting to you. the whole world is foul to you. people are shit, they'll always be shit. dojima opens up his house and his life to you so effortlessly and you wonder what it must be like to be that fucking stupid.
at the end of the day its all about talent. those who have it will succeed no matter what they do.
you've never had an ounce of fucking talent.
( i made myself at home in the cobwebs and the lies i'm learning all your tricks i can hurt you from inside i made myself a promise you would never see me cry til i make you )
you put on that gentle facade because its all you can do to continue living in the cesspool that is this world. at first you know you'll hate dojima, your stoic partner. he plays by all the rules, walks a beat like a cow being herded around. day in and day out. the routine is maddening. you act like an idiot because its all you've known how to be; if you act cute and unsuspecting, people won't really know the darkness in your mind. dojima doesn't see that darkness, though you wish he would.
somewhere in the midst of your self-loathing and general hatred of the world, dojima gets himself under your skin. you've never felt really included anywhere, even in your own family, or groups fo your peers. he doesn't really seem to care about what you might have been and he takes you at face value. stupid. yet you go to his house, you spend time with him and his daughter on your days off. he hands you a cup, part of a set, and brings you into the intimate parts of his life.
you fucking hate it. something about it makes you feel restless and upset. sickened. you don't know what the feeling is but it grows until its just one giant open wound that refuses to close up.
yu's arrival just pours salt into that festering wound.
( i can't get these memories out of my mind and some kind of madness is starting to evolve i tried so hard to let you go but some kind of madness is swallowing me whole )
all at once you are replaced in a family you couldn't even call your own. he is dojima's nephew and, by right, he has every reason for being around so often. he slots right into that place you deluded yourself into belonging and suddenly there is so little need for you. nanako loves him immediately, he is her 'big brother' while you've only ever been 'adachi-san'. delicately structured bonds are falling apart and its all his goddamn fault.
narukami yu is everything that you've never been able to be in your life. he's like those talented detectives that you were always passed over for. he's surrounded by friends that support him without question. he's taken your fragile spot within the dojima family, has written you completely out of it. you find just how easy it is for you to be replaced in every aspect. nanako asks for his advice over yours. she wants to do things with him and her father, you're no longer included.
the worst of it all is he wants to be your friend. he wants to get to know you better. you don't fucking want his pity. all attempts to push him away are met with idiotic resistance. after the old woman, who claims you looked so much like her son (tohru-chan, tohru-chan, she'd coo at you), forgoes her kindness just because her son is now back in the picture, you realize how easily forgotten you are. no one really fucking cares about you. its always been that way, hasn't it?
yu is infuriating and you don't want his help, his pity, his kindness. you want him to leave you alone. you want to destroy him.
( here we go again we're sick like animals we play pretend you're just a cannibal and i'm afraid i won't get out alive no i won't sleep tonight oh oh i want some more )
your fingertips vibrate as you touch her skin, hand over her mouth to keep her quiet. she's clawing at your arm, she's off balance, she tips backwards. you wouldn't have expected she'd fly through the tv but with eyes wide and wild and a sick sense of satisfaction in your gut, you're happy she has. its such a strange and interesting development, isn't it? up until that moment you didn't think it possible, up until that moment you'd only put a hand through the television. watching her body slip through, her hand still clutching the side until she topples into it...hm, its exciting.
( i want you stuffed into my mouth hold you down and tear you open live inside you love i'd never hurt you but i'll grind against your bones until our marrows mix i will eat you slowly )
the second, a high school girl, is all the more pathetic. light and delicate, she poses little challenge. your cheek stings from where she's slapped you. why? she can go around spreading her legs for any stupid high school boy that wants it, what makes you different? why aren't you good enough? not good enough for her, not good enough for anyone. this time there's little fight and you shove her effortlessly through the television, but your guts are boiling with rage.
they can fucking rot in there for all you care, the useless whores.
( the paradox or our minds too much to believe too much to deny you fool me again to quiet my pride but I’m a human i come with knives inever promised you an open heart or charity )
you knew that he and his team of annoying amateur investigators would figure it out eventually, it was just a matter of when. its too bad because your cat and mouse game was so fun while it lasted. there's no real place in the outside world for you anymore, inside the tv it feels more like home. you belong there.
you knew he'd come. the world from his perspective fucking sickens you. it leaves you reeling and disgusted. this is the kind of shit they talk about when they say someone is 'pure of heart'. a truly innocent soul. the world hasn't spoiled him yet. there's something darkly amusing about his persistence. you're not going to lose to him, you'll mix the tv world and the real world, fill them with fog. the world's a disgusting place, after all. it'd be better if it was just lost.
what is a bond?
( now you're in my world did you dream it be so small my little box was perfect till you destroyed it all feeling claustrophobic now my world is closing in subtle retribution i'll take you to a place you never knew could be curled up in my little box )
you've never really known what that felt like, have you? this elusive bond yu talks about. believing in yourself and your friends. a stupid notion. you can't believe in anyone, they'll all just let you down in the end. the world 'believe' is a curse that crushes people. you can't read people's minds. this 'belief' yu talks about, its only his own selfish ideal, its what he wants people to be. he believes in you, heh, what a fucking dumbass.
he forced that on you and now he feels like you've betrayed him. as if someone could actually like that ugly side of another person. stupid. stupid. stupid. they all make you so goddamn angry. and its because it hurts, more than you want to admit it does. its unfair, how he might have so many friends that have all seen each other's darkest sides. its creepy, sure, but there's never been a time where you felt like someone would accept you for yours.
you fight him and his arsenal of personas with everything you have. all that rage and upset, it fuels the tempest of flames within you. then why? why is it that you still feel like you've lost? so evenly matched though you're two entirely different people. you know he'll say its because of something stupid, like because he has a bond.
( fill me with rage and bleed me dry and feed me your hate in the echo and silence i shiver each time that you say don't cry mercy there's too much pain to come )
the cup, cracked as it is, tinks on the ground as he sets it carefully alongside the other three.
the last thing you expect to hear him say is that you had one yourself. such a cold, agonizing horror that lances through you. is that true? had you, unknowingly, made yourself a bond? disgusting. the thought is suddenly gross to you; even worse the idea that it suddenly clicks that maybe that's true. you don't want it to be true.
lets go home, adachi-san.
do you have a home?
could you have a home?
no, you're not good enough for that.
you're not good enough for anything.
( i hear babies cry i watch them grow they'll learn much more than i'll ever know and i think to myself what a wonderful world yes i think to myself what a wonderful world )