s p o i l e r s !
"love does not exist, there is no such thing, therefore there is no sadness.
at least...that's what i thought.”
you’re crying too, ryo.
”no i’m not.”
you are! you’re crying too!
you didn’t know what he meant, then. young akira fudo, crying over a cat who never had a chance to survive, you weren’t crying then. you knew that animal had no chance at life. looking back, you know on the inside you were. you were crying out of love for akira, crying out of hopelessness, crying because you had an overwhelming feeling of despair lingering over this young boy who wanted nothing but to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves.
you realize that now as you look at akira’s lifeless form beside you and you finally understand what it’s like to cry over something you knew wouldn’t last. you finally know what it’s like to love.
to love someone so fragile and kind. you knew you’d lose him, again and again and it burns you up inside as though all your organs were made of lava, you love him.
and for once, you are the one crying. actually crying, tears streaming down your face and staining your cheeks, you are crying so much you don’t think you’re skin will ever be clear of misery and loneliness.
he was a c r y b a b y.
you, an angel cast out from heaven, never deserved such an innocent and gentle soul to be given to you. no one treated you with compassion or love, god turned away from you, no one but akira and you wish you knew what you know now, then. he showed you kindness, he loved the devil and for that you brought nothing but ruin on him. everything you did, every action, every moment, it was all out of love for him. and you still brought ruin on him.
his parents. his friends. all of humanity, you are the reason he is gone. you are the reason if you saw him again, he would never rest until you were dead in the ground. you think that would be better. death. real death. you crave it at this point.
you’re so alone. breathing without
him right next to you to share in the
same air feels empty.
your body is shaking.
you can’t hear him anymore,
his eyes have lost all semblance of life,
he is just as empty as your heart.
do you know what it feels like to love someone so much, you’d destroy the whole world for them?
in truth, the apocalypse was inevitable. you felt it in your core, and at the time it was just an innate feeling. you knew demons were beginning to wreak havoc on the world, and the only way to defeat the demons was to become one yourself. you'd led akira into it, you knew that with a demon, amon--the most powerful--taking up residence in your beloved friend, he'd be not only able to help protect himself but he could fight the demons back.
at the time, no demon chose you to inhabit, and you didn't know why. you didn't know it was because you were their leader.
"in the hopes of creating mankind’s savior,
could it be that i have made their destruction instead by mistake?”
as time passed and akira was now in full control of the demon inside him, still emotional and righteous as always, you wanted akira to see the flawed and destructive ways of humankind. they would destroy the world, they would destroy him--things were only getting worse, humans and demons were coming together in destructive ways, the scent of death seemed to linger everywhere you went. it was disgusting.
there seemed to be no end, there seemed to be no hope, your friend was safe as the devilman he was, with amon protecting him from harm—but the other humans? they fell one by one, like dominoes tipping over in rapid succession, and with each one, akira’s heart became weaker. how much could one human's heart take? he always cried over the fate of others. you hated to see him cry.
you look at akira next to you and run your fingers through his hair before you press your forehead against his and a sob wracks your body. his once glistening sun-kissed tan skin was faded now, pale in comparison, chalky, and your hands shook and trembled as you took his face in them. for the first time in complete clarity, you were scared. you were feeling emotions that you knew only akira could help you understand and there was nothing more heartbreaking to you than knowing he was gone. you'd done this. you did this. youdidthis. you wonder if this was all god's plan. cast out from heaven, shown no mercy, no love, no compassion--only to be given it for a brief time. he was teasing you, showing you that nothing but destruction could come from you.
but akira? he didn't love you in the end.
you pull away to look at his features, you miss the soft wide, doe-eyed expression he so often gave you, you miss the way he smelled, the way he touched your hand and trusted you with his whole self--he didn't love you in the end, and that would've been misery enough.
you made the humans see what akira truly was, in an attempt to let akira distance himself from them, you made him an outcast. you thought if he could see what humans were capable of doing, and how cruel they could be to their own kind, perhaps he would separate from them. perhaps he would live, he would see that you cared for him in a way no one else did, you would protect him and keep him safe, you loved him.
it had the opposite effect. you shouldn't have been surprised when akira felt betrayed by you showing his secret to the world, and you wonder as you look through old pictures of the two of you together as children if maybe this whole time you should've just ceased to exist. akira would be happy if that was the case. would you have been happy, you wonder?
how cruel for akira to gain a demon's body only for you to gain a human heart.
even crueler that you are thrust into a different dimension, a different world, and given another chance. another chance for what? for live? for love? no. you think you have another chance to see akira alive. that's it. he lives, in a cloud of his own hatred for you, yet he still lives. you wonder if this is just a twisted way for god to give you some semblance of mercy. you think it's merciful some days, some days it's torture.
when you see him smile with other people, laugh, you are jealous. but he is happy.
when you see him look at you with more anger than you ever thought possible, you feel your stomach drop, it is another reminder of how lost he is to you. years have passed here in this world, elysion is not your home, but you wonder if its another form of your hell. you are angry, you are bitter, you are alone, more alone than ever.
but he? he...l i v e s.