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if people knew your story, would they blame the way you are now on your brother? would they say that your sour personality is an unfortunate side-effect of the disappointment and upset you faced as a child? would they be wrong? you never really stopped to think about the fact you were once a very happy child. you don't stop to think about the fact that your life used to revolve around your brother, your perfect, supportive big brother. the brother you idolized. the brother you wanted to be like.
your life starts off with your birth and your immediate connection to your big brother. the best big brother, you used to brag. you were much closer when you were younger, before the disappointment and feeling of betrayal. you know you can't really blame him and your bitterness towards him in your later years is probably ill-founded. well, its definitely ill-founded. you've been hurt because he's been hurt and you rationalize that into an anger and general disgust for almost everything.
its not a good choice, but you are strangely empathic. it may not seem that way because you're nothing like the boy you used to be, but when you were a child--and still now, you just hide it better now--you had very strong feelings. when people are upset around you, you can't help but be upset in turn. it was harder to hide as a child and your brother's pain was always felt very strongly. that being said, so was his happiness, and so the stories he told you about being on the volleyball team made you ecstatic.
you wanted to be part of something, you wanted to do everything your brother did. he never wanted you to come to his games and you didn't understand why. it wasn't until you actually snuck to one that you realized why. he'd lied to you the entire time. forget the fact that he lied to spare you, because you were so happy hearing about these things, that--besides your love for dinosaurs--you'd found another new hobby. something you wanted to do, something that would help you make friends and develop from the slightly shy, quiet little boy you were.
he's a good brother. he's the best big brother. however, these days, you can't really see past his utter torment. he tried so hard, he worked for so long, and the team didn't want him. what's the point in trying your hardest if you were going to be passed over anyway?
isolated. all you feel is isolated. there's too much of a difference between you and all the other people on karasuno's team. more than that, there's just such a discord between you and everyone else you get to know. not that you really work to get to know anyone and your proclaimed best friend pretty much stuck himself to you one day. you didn't really have the energy to shake him off. he stuck around and, honestly, you're not even sure why. you didn't stand up for him while he was being bullied; all you did was stand and sneer. pathetic. yamaguchi tadashi was pathetic, just like the bullies that chose to harass him. in your eyes, most people are pathetic.
you have very few people you even like. tadashi clings to you for whatever reason and you let him because you haven't had actual friends since you were much younger. your personality leaves a lot to be desired and you know it but you can't seem to change it. you're bitter and too sarcastic for your own good. you avoid being hurt by hurting others before they get the chance; you push people away because its easier to not be disappointed that way. you just always have the feeling someone is going to disappoint you in some way or another. why leave yourself open for that chance?
being part of karasuno's team is an experience. you're not really happy with it, but its something to do. unfortunately, you still like volleyball despite all your upset and disappointment in your brother. some part of you wants to do this for him. some part of you wants to be a great player because you want to prove something to him. frankly, you're not consciously sure why that is, or what you want to prove, but call it being petty if you will. you're definitely petty, that's not a shock. you're bitter and sarcastic, you're blunt and you push people away. how could you ever think you'd be able to be part of a team? teamwork isn't really in your vocabulary, you've been solitary for a long time. but yamaguchi is on the team and, you know, its not hurting anything. right?
its a lot more obnoxious than you previously thought. your elders are, for the most part, tolerable, but if there's two people you can't stand its hinata and kageyama. unfortunately, you see the potential in both of them, using your rational thought and your ability to read situations. they'll work well together if they could just get along. regardless, something about hinata makes you jealous and you wish you really knew what it was; you don't figure it out until later. he's got natural talent, something that you were certain your brother had. natural talent is not something that runs in your family, apparently, because he doesn't seem to really need to work too hard at anything. he trains and gets better and it just seems like a smooth transition, like he doesn't struggle at all.
you remember getting angry with nekoma's captain for comparing you. it was an, admittedly, nice thing that he and fukurōdani's captain does for you in the long run--you realize that they were simply looking for someone with enough stamina and the ability to block. to be honest, you've never actually tried that hard to get better and it seems like your ability to analyze a situation doesn't entirely extend to quick-thinking. blocking a pass takes more energy than you're willing to extend. you really hate to admit that kuroo's comment got under your skin. all you've ever been good for was shadowing; standing out is better suited for the sun, not the moon.
you have zero faith in yourself and whatever abilities you may or may not have and that's just the way its going to stay.
you don't join the school's volleyball team here in terminus. it doesn't really seem like it will be worth it--your brother isn't here, karasuno doesn't exist, there's no reason to play the game if there's going to be no payoff at the end. you've basically gone right back to square one; disinterest and just a life of 'existing'. you're so average, there's nothing here to really make you anything special. did volleyball make you special? not really, but it gave you something to work towards. you went from a boy that didn't think giving it his all was worth it to finally finding your place within karasuno's team, and now back to square one again.
what are you going to do with your life? that's a good question and something you don't have an answer for. chances are you'll pass as an average student--despite the fact you're painfully brilliant (you just don't apply yourself properly)--graduate and then go on to a mundane job. just like every other average joe in the world. right, that's all you're destined to be. average. it'd be disappointing if you could bring yourself to care. after all, why struggle and fight for something that won't be worth it in the end? there's no real point.
is there anything that's really worth it?