aghast. horror. disgust. the expressions that play across my face. objections. refusals. ultimatums. their words at the tip of my tongue. stuttered words i can't manage to say. i'm never like this. whatever i want to say i'll say. but it's never been that way with them. they've always been the only people i could never refuse. my parents. i hate them. i love them. and everything in between. it's why I can't say no, why I have to spend my summer with idiots, doing bullshit at, get this, summer scouts. what kind of name is that anyway? it is meant to hide the fact that our parents think we need god, or even worse implying that we are literally scouting for god this summer. either way I can think of about a billion better ways to spend my summer.
but i have no say in the matter, it's unfair and i just have to deal with it. it's like an affirmation from my parents that they think something is wrong with me. my things are packed and sitting on my bed, i can see them over my shoulder as i look at myself in the mirror. i don't think anything is wrong with me. people think i'm a bitch, and i am, but only because this is the what the world molded me into. i get called a slut, when in fact it's guys who flock to me, and not the other way around. no one seems to notice or believe that i have talents, that i have a natural affinity for just about everything, they all assume i'm either a cheat or i'm the idiot. it's everyone else who though, they are the idiots. now i have to go live, for the summer, with a bunch of them, people who won't get me, people who do the opposite of me and deny who they are rather than accept it. i already know this will be hell, but i didn't realize what kind until much later.
at least i get to keep my phone, it's in my hands every waking moment, no matter who is talking to me, as though i care about what any of the morons at this camp have to say in the first place. i'm thrust into a cabin with two other campers, jupiter and venus. even though my eyes are usually on the screen of my phone, i see them, i watch, i listen, and i know. they are probably the least worst of the lot of people here, and as time moves forward you even grow to like them. venus who is too sweet for her own good, conforming to be what society wants of her instead of who she wants to be, but you see. jupiter who is so caught up in the opinions of others she's denying who she is as well. both at the costs of their own happiness.
the onset of summer comes and goes, and with it camp and my first encounter with venus. immediately i feel as though it was an idiotic idea on the counselor's part to put him in a cabin with two girls, considering what he
wants to be. yeah, i see it, almost from the start, it's probably why she's here. a religious camp meant to put us back onto the straight and narrow. i hate the whole idea of of it, loathe the idea that society has us in these boxes that we aren't meant to break. as i get to know venus, well besides the obvious that she fucking irks me, i also see how sweet and kind of a person she is, but that she is only that way because she wants to be accepted. i tell her as much later, that her kindness is full of that want. she wants to not be picked on, she wants to be liked, she wants to be understood. i'm pretty sure inside she is screaming, and if she would just be honest with those around her, we would all hear her.
despite the fact that venus is usually messing up or always talking, and then constantly apologizing for it, one of the things that bothers you about her, she gets me. the weeks tick by and as i watch and get to know her, she gets to know me. it's such a rare thing for me to let someone near enough to do so. most of the time i give people the finger and tell them to fuck off, suffice to say i don't have that many friends. venus and i both recognize in one another the soul of a kindred spirit, we both acknowledge that we are bad kids, something i never would have guessed of her, and something jupiter seems loathe to do. even though she knows she isn't good though, she doesn't come to terms with it, truly until after our night in the old shack of a cabin out in the woods. venus is easily persuaded to do things, still eager to please, we drink and try to avoid meeting the devil, even though i fucking knew the devil would show and i told them too.
on the day that i met venus, i also met the third member of camp west, jupiter. now jupiter is everything that she's too modest to say she is, and one thing that she fears to admit. like venus she is kind, but she has more back bone to her, less prone to apologizing, but still has that naive idea stuck in her head that if she just pretends to be what all the peons want her to be, she will be liked, will be considered good, might end up in heaven. again, i fucking hate when people lie to themselves and she lies harder than venus does. as though neither of us have caught her staring at me, something i don't mind if i'm being honest, or the fact that she snaps her hair tie against her wrist when she does, as though to remind herself to not do the very thing which she is doing. she is basically our ring leader, and that's saying something, because i won't follow just anyone, but i can see that jupiter has a good heart despite what everyone else wants to make her believe.
she seems the most afraid about meeting the devil. she tries harder than either venus or i to be good, because she won't accept that she has some bad in her. it bothers me that i care, because i try so fucking hard to not, but i care more about her than i should. it's like she knows there is this spot on her heart, a dark spot that could grow if she let it, but she denies it, tries to hide it, covers it up, and pushes it down. i want nothing more than for us all to meet the devil, i know that is wrong of me, but it's true. i want the devil to come for her, i want her to embrace who and what she is, to admit that she is bad. i want them both to. perhaps that is selfish of me, but i don't even fucking care. it's what's best for them, i know it is, and i'm almost never wrong.
i wasn't wrong when i said that we would have to go to the cabin before the bonfire, and i wasn't wrong about the devil coming. we tuned into the radio, we tried to find god, instead the devil's voice spoke through the speakers. jupiter was an instant mess, feeling as though she had screwed up and it was all her fault. i wasn't even angry. as i listened to the voice speak over the radio, all rich charm and honeyed words, in depths of them you could hear the promises, the ones that spoke of us being free, the wishes for us to return to him, and be who we are meant to be. venus gives in first, and honestly nothing could have made me more proud than to see her given in, to finally take what she wants instead of constantly seeking it through other's approval. if i had any reservations about giving in like eve had before, there are none after that. i know what i am, i'm a bad girl, a sinner, someone who gladly gave into the devil. for jupiter, following suit isn't so easy. she's tries so hard for so long to be "righteous", to be "good", and so we have to convince her that there is more than just one definition of good. we have to convince her, i know she wouldn't be happy any other way, and so we persuade her to give in, we are her snake, and maybe i'll feel guilty about that later, but right then i don't. because i was most certainty fucking right about them being better off giving in to their sins.