a nobody isn't born, they are made
. they are what is left of someone's heart when it is taken from them. those with weak hearts turn into mindless beasts who are constantly longing for what they lost. those who have particularity strong hearts have a nobody that looks human
. flesh, blood and bone-looking at these creatures
people won't be able to see the difference. but these human-looking nobodies are missing a heart and not the beating pulsing kind in the chest but the feeling
kind. when a new nobody appears, they are a mindless "zombie" as you lovingly put it. most don't even start talking for a few days-perhaps because they don't remember how. perhaps because they are grappling with how to speak with the something
that they are missing. as far as you know, no nobody remembers the somebody they came from at least not in real way. it's always a voice the recess of the mind, whispering so quietly that nothing intelligible can be deciphered. you honestly don't even want to talk about your somebody, let alone think about him. but then again you rather not think about "troubling" things. like most nobodies, you were a zombie too once until you came to be "your own". you aren't sure how nobodies have their own thoughts, their own little "personalities". perhaps it is that small whisper of the somebody-perhaps because the organization needs another way to distinguish you from each other. the fact that nobodies have no emotions makes them more malleable-more open to doing terrible things.
perhaps your somebody was particularly cold too, you don't know. all you know that once you came to be "yourself" that you couldn't find it in yourself to care about anyone else-and this included the organization itself. you still went on missions because they gave you a strange sense of normalcy, but you didn't always complete them on time. you honestly preferred to lounge around and watch the people of the towns scurry around and try to figure out what was hurting them. when you were forced to fight for whatever reason though, you would spring into action and mercilessly wield your fiery twin chakrams against your enemies. the organization can never say that you aren't a capable fighter-though you always scoff and give a sarcastic remark if someone chooses to praise you. you always think you don't need their approval. you know that these missions that the organization sends you on come with the threat of death-real death. once a nobody is killed off, that's it for them. after all you are all only fragments. death isn't something you fear and maybe that's why you made jokes about it and even have "friendly" bets with some of the others as to who will get killed off in group missions. either it's a lack of fear or a lack of caring, you don't know. you learn that the organization has no qualms with killing of their own members; especially when said members are planning to to overtake the current leaders. you were one of those people, yourself and saïx. however you weren't stupid enough to get caught.
you were even willing to attack someone when they were using a human shield in the form of a young girl. it wasn't for blind loyalty or anything either-but because in a way you enjoyed killing. you enjoyed making people suffer. or as much as a nobody could "enjoy" anything. now you ask yourself...do you wish that you could go back? you never imagined you'd be in this place that you are now. it almost seems darker despite the fact that nobodies live in darkness, even use it as portals to get around to different worlds. you close your eyes now and you see his face in your dreams with his wide blue eyes looking back at you. do you wish you could turn back time and stay that cold merciless killer you were?
this is roxas. you are going to be showing him the ropes
you still remember the day that you first met him. he had the black hood pulled over his head; his expression lifeless. he said nothing, not even seeming to recognize the name he had been given. you remember feeling something akin to annoyance because why should you of all people have to be stuck with the zombie newbie? what had you done to deserve "babysitting"? you sighed and decide to shrug it off because it wasn't worth it to get "angry" or pout about it. once a top member of the organization made up their minds-that was it. "name's axel. got it memorized?" you show roxas your teeth as your place your pointer finger on his temple. "got it memorized" has been something that you have said several times after you became "yourself". it's a sort of mantra, and it feels more natural than anything else. roxas just looks at you, your words not exactly settling into his brain yet. you just shake your head and grab his hand. he is compliant as he follows you into the dark portal. but that's how they all are. that first day after teaching roxas the basics, you decide to share something with him that you've never shared with anyone. technically once you are done with a mission, you are supposed to return to base. however, you almost never did. especially once you discovered this strange salty ice-cream popsicle. you don't know why you shared this little ritual with him. but something started to happen that day as the sun set and a shadow of a smile spread to his face.
you still remember how he knew absolutely nothing about the world. including friendship. you're almost certain that you didn't know when you were new either; and you still didn't exactly understand it when you explained it to roxas. and yet when he asked you if you were his friend, tilting his head in that curious little way of his-for some reason you couldn't say no. the more time you spent with roxas, the more you began to change. something about roxas made you feel as if you had a heart. you wanted to be near him, wanted to see his smile and feel like smiling yourself. it actually hurt when you told him that you had been sent away on a mission and while you told him not to worry-that you would be back soon-you didn't actually know for sure if you would. you found that once you were deployed that you didn't kill as merciless as you used to. that you didn't even bet on how many lives would be lost.you're pretty sure you missed roxas, but a nobody can't actually miss someone. when you could sleep you dreamed of orange sunsets, and salt on your lips. when you returned from your mission you find that roxas has seemed to replace you with a newbie by the name of xion and you feel a strange burning lurch in your stomach. however, xion looks at you with that same look roxas has before and asks if she could be your friend too. and you think to yourself...any friend of roxas is a friend of mine.
the three of you share something that you don't recall sharing with anyone else in the organization. not even saïx who confronts you about not being to talk to him the way you talk to roxas and xion. you don't have any logical explanation, but you don't regret standing up for xion when saïx learns that she has lost control of the keyblade. he tells you that your friendship with them was fake because the three of you didn't know each other when you were sombodies like the you and saïx had. you don't remember that though-or at least you choose to ignore it. weather saïx is "angry" or "hurt" you don't know, but he chooses to tell you that xion isn't even a real nobody, but a replica. you almost feel nauseous as the information sinks into your brain. you tell xion though, it was her right to know. she left the organization to find herself without saying goodbye to roxas and when confronted by roxas about it...you lie and say that she went on a mission. your surprised that roxas didn't seem to catch your tell-how you always look away when you lie-but maybe he thought there was a good reason. either way, he didn't press. however, one of the other members revealed xion's true nature to the whole group the next day. wrecked with guilt from the lie you told, you avoid roxas as much as possible for the next week or so even though at the time he didn't know that you had lied.
you miss him terribly and xion too. fake or not, xion was still a friend to you. you decide that you can't avoid him forever and you find roxas at the train station in twilight town. you tell him that you are going to help find her despite orders against it. do you wish that you could turn back the clocks? perhaps not gone after her? perhaps kept roxas at a distance? the truth came out eventually that you had kept xion's true identity from roxas. he began to wonder what else you had kept from him. the other boy he saw in his dreams? who was he? you knew of course, but your words ran dry. that is when you lost him for good. and all you could do was watch him run away from you despite pleas spotting from your lips that were far too late. roxas hated you. he left you alone. now you are laying in your bed at the organization and you are holding a popiscle stick with the word "winner" printed on it's wooden side. it was a gift from roxas. you feel a heaviness in your chest and the feeling of something prickling in your eyes. would you turn back time so you wouldn't ever feel whatever it is that you are feeling now? you blink and curl your hand tightly. no. you want to feel this. you want to keep feeling this. you have to get roxas back. you need him to forgive you. you need to be his friend again...something...anything. damn the organization if they disagree.